April 27, 2006
Your article really gets into the key points. I feel like you are sitting in front of me talking. It is a good feeling to read something like this. There were parts of your essay that were funny, that is always good. For the most part I feel that nothing confused me. Just be careful that if you add any extra “gaming” information that your define the more technical parts.
Your writing seems to take more of a narrative aspect to it. However, there are persuasive aspects to it. They are hidden, but I can walk away from this thinking wow, I don’t want my children to end up like the middle-aged men you described. A reader learns the television and video games are not healthy at excessive amounts. This is a concept you seemed to grasp and understand.
I do not see an identified audience (magazine etc) but I would assume either a video game or parent magazine. I enjoyed the amount of narrative that you have in here, but I do feel that you need some more information. The flow of the passage works well. I do not feel like you were jumping around. Your argument could be clearer. And it is very stylistically engaging!
You are credible because this is your story. You have experienced something that millions of other people do. You have a first hand in the gaming world. So I am going to believe you because at the moment you know more than I do. I know this from your tone, and the sense of understanding about the situation that you portray. You also have given me no reason not to trust you. Your information does not contradict itself or anything in that nature. And you seem to want to make some sort of change in society. I feel this is written towards parents and you want them to see what their children are going through by playing lots of video games.
It is in the first paragraph that we know this is about you wanting to have video games and your parents not letting you. You do this through your narrative. It is further into the paper that we see some of the darker aspects of games and begin to think they are not healthy for our children.
I understand that if I give my children everything they want that in the long run I could be affecting their developing skills. Your argument would again be that children are going to be effected by watching and playing excessive amounts of video games. You go into some of these effects on a personal level (the classroom part). Like I stated before, you could have more background/ informative information. And at the moment I like that the persuasiveness is very natural. You don’t try and shove the issue down our throats. I think that overall your essay has turned out well. Good luck!