Jason~ March 23, 2006
I had several feelings running through me while I was reading this. First I was wondering why you were so worried about the phone ringing. I just could not figure out why that was in the story…I’m still wondering about it, but it adds a different touch. I was confused at some points probably just because I do not play computer games. At the end things became suspenseful. I got that on the edge of your seat feeling as the game got more intense. I thought your detail was amazing and sounds very realistic.
I don’t feel like this narrative has a lesson at the moment. Right now it sounds like a teenager feeding his gaming addiction. This could be part of the message, but I hope not all of it. I am not clear as to what you are getting at. Your first paper was about violence and you only touched on the graphic parts of the game for a paragraph or so. I guess if you are trying to make violence your main theme you would want to describe more about what happens in the game.
I believe it was your detail that kept me interested. I have never played computer games so all the details you gave really helped me understand what was going on. Even the little things like telling me what key made the character move were helpful. It was easier to slip into your story with you. Your sentences vary. Some are short and to the point while other are very long and detailed. Therefore I did not get bored. There might be a few places where you were a little wordy, but I personally liked it. I would not recommend adding too much to what you have. Just continue your story.
This story is definitely a personal narrative. The use of “I” is a dead give away. You are reflecting on an experience that you have already encountered. We see conflict in the game you are playing and how hard you are working to stay alive. There is also suspense in that situation. The thing about the phone ringing that is suspenseful and seems like it might be a conflict at some point too. I do no think that you have reached your climax yet.
You and the character you are playing are the only ones in this story so far. Both introductions were specific and detailed. You set us up with this situation that most can relate to. You are just getting home from school, wanting to mellow out before doing work. This helps make you someone we can trust. We know that since you are a student like us we have something in common. You also described every part of what you were going on the game, so anyone who has every played would know what was going on. Plus those of us who have not played we can try and understand what is going on.
At the moment this is all one event except for the phone ringing that comes from a past event. That is a secret that you have that we know nothing about. So the story takes place in the course of an afternoon/evening after school. You tell the story of what seems like a typical gamer playing his game. The phone ringing is intertwined throughout the story. I’m interested in seeing where that is going. I think the story flows well. I want to see what happens next.
Your paper thus far seems well organized and written. I like the detail that you give. I am a little worried that if you continue on with this amount of detail that your paper could get long and even boring. So just keep that in mind as you continue. I also would like to see more about the violence in here. It seemed like that would be a key part of your story. AND WHY ARE WE WAITING FOR THE PHONE TO RING!?!? Good luck!!